The current difference

The current difference between a good day and a bad day isn’t much anymore. I constantly worry about the same things, have the same recurrent problems and do the same things every day. One little tick can turn it either way.

Yesterday I had a short and to the point conversation with Dick. It consisted of me telling him that what he did to me is not ok, and though I have tried to forgive his actions I have not. I reminded him of something I told him a few months ago- that he assaulted me. I lost any respect I had for him and I have not gained any back. I’m glad it’s over with. He told me the same things that he had before- that he didn’t mean to hurt me, he hasn’t forgotten, he will never do it again, he wishes he could take it back, I have meant more to him than anyone ever has, he loves me, he understands if I never want to talk to him again. Finally. I don’t believe I will be hearing from him again.

Today was a normal day. I talked to She-boss about FMLA, which MD agreed was a very good idea when I mentioned it at my last visit. She said she would absolutely fill out the paperwork incase I ever need to take time off or if my absences start to become a problem again at work. I’m so relieved by this- I don’t have to worry about losing my job if I have to be out of work or even worse…be hospitalized. I came very close to giving up awhile back and I thought I was headed that way, luckily my mood improved quickly enough that I was able to get through it. I fucking hate living like this, but you would think that after 15 solid years of back and forth I would be a pro at coping. I guess I am better than I was when I was 13, but it makes life a fucking bitch, I tell you what.

I had a

I had a really good visit with MD today. I told her how I get to work and immediately neglect my body in order to stay on task. I don’t drink, I avoid bathroom breaks, I just work constantly. My brain gets fried quickly. She said that I need to set an alarm on my cell phone or computer to go off at 1630 so I will remember to stop, get a drink and a snack, take a few minutes to relax, and take my afternoon ritalin if I need it. That is another thing- I never remember to take the fucking ritalin. I don’t need it every day- it just depends on how my day started out and when I took my Focalin. Anyways, I completely intended to do that today. Of course, I got to work and things started out normal enough. That didn’t last long.

About 1715 I get a call on the office phone from the unit secretary asking if I know where the pharmacist (X) is. I do not know. She says they have a cardiac arrest and need an amiodarone drip stat. I tell her I will take care of it. I call the main pharmacy to see if my ED pharmacist is there. She is not. I tell the pharmacist that I need an amiodarone drip for an arrest and I can’t find X. She enters the order for me and I run up there to pick it up. They know very little, but say that X had an emergency and had to go home. Something about a family emergency. Didn’t they tell you she wasn’t going to be there? They ask. No, they didn’t. I know more than I can let onto, but no, no one told me anything.

I get the amiodarone down to the patient, who is still with us. Tell the nurse that it has to go through a filter needle. Which they didn’t send (I didn’t know they ever sent them, but I digress). I told her I will grab her one. My brain farts and I forget that she needs an IV set, not just a filter needle. DOY. and we have a laugh at my expense. She gets the IV tubing and off she goes.

I get a hold of Adam and tell him X is gone. We commiserate briefly, then I return to work and call my boss. She confirms that X is gone for the night, will not be here tomorrow or the weekend. She is no longer in the ED. Forever? Yes, probably. Oh well. She sucked. But the point is I have had a far from normal night and it isn’t over yet.