Forgive me blargh

This isn’t what I had in mind for my long last return. I have written on paper for awhile, and maybe I will get around to back posting those soon. Lucky for you, no fiction is included. In the meantime, I am picking up in the dreadful present.

Tonight was supposed to be a very happy night. Something I had been looking forward to for what feels like forever, but was really only a month or so. Instead, I am going to bed with tears all over my face and my mouth tasting like blood. The disappointment and sadness I feel is overwhelming and unreal. I am worried about a piece of me that is 3,000 miles away. I carry you with me everywhere I go, love. When you feel pain and turmoil, I feel it too.

I live alone. I love being alone. But I wanted my Chad with me, and now he won’t be here. I have cancelled my birthday. If he won’t have me come to him, I will also cancel my vacation. That makes this week just another dreadful week. And then the waiting will start all over again.

I have kept us a secret for far too long, and for that I am sorry. If I could go back and change one thing, that would be it. I regret that I am so far away and have left you all alone to make your way through this. I know what it feels like to be unsafe in your own mind and unable to determine up from down. There is nothing worse than being there alone. If there is something really *not good* going on, you have a long road ahead and I wish I could change that.

So even though I’m not there with you yet, remember that I love you.

And so now your mom knows that I have, in fact, not gone away. I must say it is somewhat relieving, and I think you feel the same way. I just hope it doesn’t make everything more difficult for you. On my end, I honestly couldn’t care less. I’m fine to live openly with my shitty choices, because they’ve brought me to you, no? We’ve stayed together for these past two and a half years when nothing else has.

Remember this night? It was one of our best times, and we have a lot more of those coming. Good night.

The current difference

The current difference between a good day and a bad day isn’t much anymore. I constantly worry about the same things, have the same recurrent problems and do the same things every day. One little tick can turn it either way.

Yesterday I had a short and to the point conversation with Dick. It consisted of me telling him that what he did to me is not ok, and though I have tried to forgive his actions I have not. I reminded him of something I told him a few months ago- that he assaulted me. I lost any respect I had for him and I have not gained any back. I’m glad it’s over with. He told me the same things that he had before- that he didn’t mean to hurt me, he hasn’t forgotten, he will never do it again, he wishes he could take it back, I have meant more to him than anyone ever has, he loves me, he understands if I never want to talk to him again. Finally. I don’t believe I will be hearing from him again.

Today was a normal day. I talked to She-boss about FMLA, which MD agreed was a very good idea when I mentioned it at my last visit. She said she would absolutely fill out the paperwork incase I ever need to take time off or if my absences start to become a problem again at work. I’m so relieved by this- I don’t have to worry about losing my job if I have to be out of work or even worse…be hospitalized. I came very close to giving up awhile back and I thought I was headed that way, luckily my mood improved quickly enough that I was able to get through it. I fucking hate living like this, but you would think that after 15 solid years of back and forth I would be a pro at coping. I guess I am better than I was when I was 13, but it makes life a fucking bitch, I tell you what.