I have been a busy girl lately. I’ve entertained with some regularity. I’ve also *been* entertained with some regularity. Basically, I feel like I’ve reverted back to the me I was before I was ever married. I get to do what I want when I want and I can’t imagine giving that up. Ever.
I can sit on my porch and smoke. I keep champagne in my fridge, because it is after all the beverage of champions. I even managed a one-night encounter. It maybe has the possibility of more- though it probably won’t be. And that’s just fine with me. Yes, this girl plays safe, so I don’t want to hear it.
I totally and completely savor my alone time. I have absolutely no desire to be tethered to one person and it makes me so fucking happy that I have the choice.
I’m meeting someone later this week for a night of mischief and strippers. Nat is helping me look remotely hot by loaning me some shoes. Yeah. Effort is a lot of work, dude.
I busted my ass on my stairs yesterday in front of my neighbor and a gentleman friend. It was fantastically awful. My hand is fucking busted and the rest of me is sore. Just another story for the “stupid clumsy me” tag…

This isn’t what I had in mind for my long last return. I have written on paper for awhile, and maybe I will get around to back posting those soon. Lucky for you, no fiction is included. In the meantime, I am picking up in the dreadful present.

Tonight was supposed to be a very happy night. Something I had been looking forward to for what feels like forever, but was really only a month or so. Instead, I am going to bed with tears all over my face and my mouth tasting like blood. The disappointment and sadness I feel is overwhelming and unreal. I am worried about a piece of me that is 3,000 miles away. I carry you with me everywhere I go, love. When you feel pain and turmoil, I feel it too.

I live alone. I love being alone. But I wanted my Chad with me, and now he won’t be here. I have cancelled my birthday. If he won’t have me come to him, I will also cancel my vacation. That makes this week just another dreadful week. And then the waiting will start all over again.

I have kept us a secret for far too long, and for that I am sorry. If I could go back and change one thing, that would be it. I regret that I am so far away and have left you all alone to make your way through this. I know what it feels like to be unsafe in your own mind and unable to determine up from down. There is nothing worse than being there alone. If there is something really *not good* going on, you have a long road ahead and I wish I could change that.

So even though I’m not there with you yet, remember that I love you.

And so now your mom knows that I have, in fact, not gone away. I must say it is somewhat relieving, and I think you feel the same way. I just hope it doesn’t make everything more difficult for you. On my end, I honestly couldn’t care less. I’m fine to live openly with my shitty choices, because they’ve brought me to you, no? We’ve stayed together for these past two and a half years when nothing else has.

Remember this night? It was one of our best times, and we have a lot more of those coming. Good night.

Where to begin? A couple of weeks ago Mr Aed and I once again decided to call it quits. It’s been over two years and neither of us are happy. We both want to be, but we just aren’t. No one seems to agree with my decisions or what I feel, and I just need to be free.

I must be
One of the devil’s daughters
They look at me with scorn
I’ll never hear their horn
Sometimes
It’s like being in chains
Sometimes I hang my head
In shame
When people see me
They scandalize my name
I’m going down
To the devil’s water
I’m gonna drown
In that troubled water
It’s coming ’round my soul
It’s way beyond control
I must be one
I must be one
I must be
One of the devil’s daughters
They look at me with scorn
I’ll never hear their horn
Sometimes it’s like
Being in chains
Sometimes I hang my head
In shame
When people see me
They scandalize my name
I’m going down
To the devil’s water
I’m gonna drown
In that troubled water
It’s coming ’round my soul
It’s way beyond control
I must be one
I must be one
I must be

I just don’t feel comfortable sharing too much here, which is a shame because that’s the point. Anyways, the prospect of Barrow Boy moving to Portland has become real. I know you probably don’t agree with this, but we make each other happy. Very happy. We both know it’s a chance we should have taken a year ago and we would all probably be happier today. I am not cut out for monogamy and I’m not going to take it.

I have had to cut my depakote dose in half in order to not run out. I have insurance as of today, I just need to find someone to see now.

I have been lonely lately. I miss my chad and I want to be home with him right now. Everything reminds me of him and sometimes I can’t take it. I have a lot I want to say but I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it. I am conflicted and confused. But on the other hand, I am very happy and things are going well. I must always have something to be unhappy about, no? Last night we went out for a work friend’s birthday. We ended up over an hour late because I got lost. Then I got very drunk and almost puked on the way home. Good times.

Tomorrow is my day off, but no plans really. We’re going to volunteer at the Oregon food bank in the evening with work. I just realized I don’t know what time we have to go.

Things are running much more smoothly now. Only I am still very lonely quite often. I am searching for a psychiatrist because I am about to run out of medication. If I don’t get in to see one next week I guess I will have to go to an urgent care and see if they will give me a month of Depakote.
It is cold and I have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning.

I had an episode of ill communication with someone who means the world to me tonight. I know you can’t believe it, but you can trust me absolutely. I know one thing for sure about you- beneath your clever exterior, you are a fragile as I am. I want to know you, and learn you, and have you as part of my life forever. You can be free with me, I will always hold up my end of the bargain.

Ah man. I had an asthma attack last night and it was weird. I didn’t recognize it as an asthma attack until about 20 minutes into it, I was just constantly coughing and hacking, I couldn’t stop, I felt like something was stuck in my lungs. I threw up on the blanket. Then I realized I couldn’t breathe so well. I hit my Proventil HFA and after 3 puffs and a few minutes I wasn’t coughing. Then I remembered I had been short of breath all day at work, too. Every time I had to get up and go to a farther away desk to get a model phone I would come back short of breath. So I guess I need to keep my inhaler with me at work, which I haven’t been doing since my job went from wandering around the ER all night to sitting at a desk all day. My insurance starts February 1st and I can’t wait. I am thinking about seeing a Naturopath whose office I noticed just down the street from the house. But I don’t know…I like to take my drugs and don’t think a Naturopathic physician would agree.
Have I mentioned that I think I am autistic? I know I have said this for some time, but awhile back, Kiki and I were talking and we both believe we have Asperger’s or another condition on the autistic spectrum. I have learned rather recently that Bipolar disorder is on that spectrum, so that made even more sense to me. It just explains so much about my social anxiety, feelings of isolation and misunderstanding that dominated my childhood, Obsessive Compulsive behavior, and my weird memory things. Anyways, none of that is really important.
We moved into our apartment on Jan 2nd, but we weren’t allowed to bring the “dog” (there is only one, after all…) until we paid the $400 pet deposit, which we wouldn’t have until I got paid. So the girls stayed with Coco until I picked them up Thursday night. She insisted they were well behaved and quiet the whole time. I’m sure she’s just being nice, but I digress. So they came home Thursday night, I went and paid the pet fee Friday morning, and by Monday we had a letter on our door about noise complaints. This led to serious fighting between myself and Mr. Aed. He finally said “the dogs or me” and as shitty as it sounds, I would choose the dogs. I gave up two ferrets to another family 7 years ago and have never forgiven myself. I couldn’t live with myself if I had to give up the dogs. Eventually, we talked through it and decided to try a “static correction” (aka shock collar) for P$ and immediately get C$ a new crate. We wanted to get her one anyways, but just didn’t have the money. So on my day off Tuesday, me and my Work Wife, who from here on shall be called WW, went out to run some errands. I got a payday loan. Two, actually. I had to go to two different places to get enough money to cover the cost of the collar and the crate since I hadn’t been with my job for very long, the first place could only approve me for $100. But anyways, I got enough money and we got the goods, and things have improved SO MUCH in just a few days. The collar sucks, but it works. And she is really catching on. I was afraid it would kill her instantly or she would ignore it all together, but it actually works. And with Che being crated again during the day, like she was used to before, everyone is getting along well.
Gotta pick up the house today so it will be tidy. Talk to you soon, internets.

Ugh work makes me tired. I have about .68 until I get paid, which luckily is tomorrow. Too bad we have to pay a million bills. This is my weekend. We got the girls back from Coco today. We missed having them around, but I won’t lie…the quiet was nice. But dang I missed cuddling with mah girls at night. They’re being good- they’re clearly tired from the excitement of being home.
I’m off tomorrow and Mr. Aed has to work. I’m going to go get Che a new crate and run some errands, but other than that I guess I’m just gonna putz around. Saturday Mr. Aed and I will finally get to do some exploring in our new neighborhood, which we barely know. Hopefully we’ll have enough money to go out to dinner or something.
I think my work wife and my other friend N are going to give us a gift card as a house-warming gift. They’ve been dropping hints. That’s so cute. They’ve already done a lot to help us- WW gave us a little tv she had sitting around, a shower curtain and two bathroom rugs. Coco loaned us a futon mattress that was at her mama’s house- we were sleeping on the floor before that, which really sucked. We’re still thinking about renting a sofa, even though that’s something that weirdos and the uber poor so. Oh wait…we are the uber poor.
Mr. Aed’s birthday is in a few weeks and I am going to try to take him to see Slayer and Megadeth. If I can’t swing that, I’m going to buy him some documentary he wants about BASS and renew his Bassmaster membership. That’s all the boy could ask for.
So, I have gone to bed at like 8pm on work nights, but I am getting more used to my schedule and I will be posting more regularly now. I have been very lax in all of my communication and I feel like I’ve lost touch with everyone. I haven’t talked to Adam in forever and I miss him a bunch. I barely ever get to talk to Reishi or Grannie, and even though I am only a few minutes away from Coco and Kiki I never see them either. Things will start to even out soon. Gross, Maple just puked. TTFN.

People fuck in the next room on an almost daily basis and it reminds me of you. It reminds me of you and us and the way things once were. It was the hardest, but the most amazing time simultaneously. These people come and go, living their usual lives, and for some reason come here only to fuck, then leave. Like we once did, before we knew exactly where it would land us… except that we never left. I could live the rest of my life with your body inside mine, next to mine. To feel your warmth and your softness, your touch and your firm, deliberate hand. I never knew what I had until I could force myself to take it away. If I wasn’t thousands of miles away, I would not function. I couldn’t function outside of Portland. I couldn’t function living two lives. And now I have to do it alone. It has to be this way. I had to get out to start over and become myself again. And this is how I know what I lost when I lost you. I found myself in order to lose you and appreciate you. I am sorry I never believed you loved me.
And by the way, happy new year.

Frozen peaches as ice cubes are the new black.

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